SCREENPLAY OF A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE:

The Long, Dark Appendectomy of the Soul:

SETTING:
Sickbed # 107
West Recovery Wing (Sixth Floor)
Royal London General Hospital

CAST OF CHARACTERS:
An Irritated English Patient
An Excitable Indian Doctor
A Pragmatic Scottish Nurse

DOCTOR:
We have managed to return your soul this morning, which is something that I am sure you are most certainly glad to hear.

PATIENT:
Whatever do you mean?! I was scheduled for an appendectomy!

DOCTOR:
As you might imagine, we are all dreadfully sorry about the mistake –

PATIENT:
Oh? You’re dreadfully sorry are you? About removing my soul?! Whatever did you do with it?

DOCTOR:
If you would but relax I will explain, you are becoming a trifle agitated, and I would hate for your current state of mind to interfere with your successful recovery.

PATIENT:
How is this even possible? I am a convicted atheist!

DOCTOR:
Well, of course you are; it’s written quite legibly here within the space provided on your chart. However, as I am certain you are aware, such decisions are left entirely to your own discretion, and are in no manner the responsibility of any member of the medical profession.

PATIENT:
Now wait just a minute, you! I am not the one bloody prodding around in other people’s mid-sections, meddling about with that which exists only by conjecture!

DOCTOR:
Oh, I assure you, your soul was definitely more evident than those referred to within any simple metaphor; for example, while attempting to replace it, we dropped it rather heavily, upon more than one occasion.

PATIENT:
You did what?! You dropped it on the bloody floor?

DOCTOR:
Please, contain yourself, it was quite resilient, and in no way was it harmed; although it did nearly escape from the operating room. Its attempts in this regard were quite apparent, as it took all six members of the operating staff, four nearby sanitation workers, and an administrative assistant, to effectively restrain it. As you might have already guessed, an ordeal of this kind is usually quite traumatic for the uninitiated; in fact, at the very sight of your embittered soul so rambunctiously careening about the room was enough to cause several of the students viewing from the observation deck to immediately give up the medical profession, in hopes of joining the local seminary!

PATIENT:
I don’t believe a word of it, this is absolute and utter nonsense! I won’t listen for a second longer, what intolerable and unadulterated lunacy!

DOCTOR:
If you refuse to remain calm you will risk the potentiality of a protracted relapse, which I cannot allow!

PATIENT:
You clearly can’t allow what couldn’t possibly have happened, you conceited, pompous oaf! I’ll sue you for malpractice! I’ll have you disbarred from the medical profession! – Oy, what’s this then? It feels all loose within my insides! Hoo! Did you see that?! Some useless bloody thing has jumped right out from my navel!

DOCTOR:
Quickly, after it! We have an unscheduled discharged in the recovery wing! I’ll be damned if that wily bit of cosmic fluff is going to get the best of me! Nurse, please raise the alarm! I’ll try to catch it before it reaches the lift!

NURSE:
All available personnel to soul recovery, response level one, do not be alarmed! I repeat, we have an unscheduled discharge in the recovery wing!

PATIENT:
I’ve gone as raving mad as all the rest! Was that what I thought it was?! Was that my very bleedin’ soul?!

NURSE:
He did not fail to warn ye – whatever else did ye expect?

PATIENT:
For the love of mercy – what if I never get it back?!

NURSE:
Ye did nea seem to think so rather highly of this, your sudden, valued, soul-of-souls very much before today; however, now that ye hea witnessed such as ye hae seen, I suppose that ye would prefer me to update your chart?

PATIENT:
Actually, now that you mention it, would it be too much trouble to have that particular section changed to read “agnostic”?

FINIS.